Journey to Surrender

"Letting your hair down" with your spouse is a good thing, but...

What does the idiom "let your hair down" mean? Here are some dictionary suggestions:

• To tell someone everything; to tell one's innermost feelings and secrets.
• To relax and enjoy yourself without worrying what other people will think.
• To drop one's reserve or inhibitions.

Freedom to be Genuinely You

Intimacy, by definition, must be genuine. I'm a big believer in being who you really are with your spouse, of letting your hair down and losing your inhibitions. It's part of the beauty of being one. In fact, pretense inhibits intimacy, because there is no such thing as fake intimacy.

Intimacy is about being fully known and yet deeply loved and accepted. If fear or shame are keeping you from being real with your spouse, check out my post Shame and Intimacy.

Here are a few excerpts from that post:

In the end shame, which is driven by our fear of disconnection, prevents us from experiencing the very intimacy we fear losing (or not getting in the first place). Shame is a dead end, guaranteed to leave you trapped in loneliness, without the genuine connection you long for. The ultimate conclusion I draw from this is that shame and intimacy simply cannot coexist.

I believe quite strongly that overcoming the shame that is blocking intimacy in your marriage needs to start with a revelation of the love of God for you (and consequently for your spouse). What I’m talking about goes way beyond a vague “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so” kind of understanding. I’m talking about a personal and powerful revelation of just how deeply and endlessly Jesus loves you.

We know that the ideal state for marriage, as described for us in Genesis 2:24-25 is to be "naked without shame." It involves more than just physical nakedness (though it does include that too). It means being transparent and vulnerable in the whole of your marriage: emotionally, financially, spiritually, and physically. In everything. If you fear nakedness with your spouse, if you are holding back in certain areas, read my post Naked Without Shame.

Freedom vs. License - Give the Best of You

However, we have to hold this truth in tension against the other side of the coin. Freedom to be yourself with your spouse is not license to just do whatever you want, to say whatever comes into your mind, or to be unkempt or rude or unkind.

It's not about being fake. It's about giving your spouse the best you have to give.

• If you don't cuss with your church friends, don't turn into a sailor at home
• If you smile kindly to the clerk at the store, don't put on your grumpy pout-face for your spouse.
• If you don't belch in a business meeting, don't subject your wife (or husband) to such things
• If you are gracious and generous to your friends, don't be any less so with your spouse. Be more so!

Physical appearance/grooming is another area where freedom can be taken too far. While there are times it's nice to just be relaxed and literally "let your hair down," to go without shaving or showering, or to wear your comfy clothes, you also don't want to just "let yourself go" all the time. Out of respect for your spouse, keep good grooming habits.

Wear things you know your spouse finds attractive. Pay attention to their compliments, or just ask him or her before dressing. "Anything special you'd like me to wear?" Use perfume or cologne that your spouse prefers. After all, who else are you wearing it for? Hair and shaving is another area where your spouse's preference in style and color should matter.

Be free. Be yourself. But also be the best version of yourself you can be out of love and respect for the one to whom you are intimately joined as one. Start a conversation by asking, "Is there any area where you feel like I'm giving you less than the best I have to give?"

The heart is the heart of every marriage.


Have you ever had a halfhearted customer service experience? How do you feel when you engage with someone who seems totally disinterested in serving you? On the other hand, how do you feel when you encounter someone who is wholeheartedly engaged and enthusiastically determined to meet your needs? Such a positive experience will likely cause you to speak favorably about the establishment to others and keep you coming back.

Websters defines a wholehearted person as someone who is devoted, determined and enthusiastic, marked by an earnest commitment.

So here's my question: are you wholehearted when it comes to your marriage?

But my spouse...

Maybe you are thinking that your spouse's halfheartedness is your excuse for living a halfhearted marriage. This may seem logical, but unfortunately such thinking is ultimately self-defeating and won't move you any closer to experiencing a wholehearted marriage.

You see, the truly wholehearted understand that wholeheartedness comes out of who they are, not in response to what someone else does or doesn't do. It's a choice not a reaction.

I believe wholeheartedness is contagious. While you only have the power to control yourself, you do have influence over the atmosphere of your marriage, which can ultimately influence your spouse in a positive direction. (But sorry, no magic formulas here!)

As you work toward being wholehearted in your marriage, below are five areas to consider.

1. All In 100%

The wholehearted hold nothing back. When it comes to their marriage and spouse they are all in and fully engaged. Do you have areas of your being or life that you are withholding from your spouse? Do you wait until you feel your needs are met before you are willing to meet your spouses needs? Do you love only in proportion to the amount of love you feel you are receiving?

Selflessness, grace and loving your spouse as if they are already meeting all your needs and loving you well are the keys to a wholehearted marriage.

2. Wholly Devoted

Jesus describes the devotion we are to have toward God in Mark like this:

And you shall love the Lord your God out of and with your whole heart and out of and with all your soul (your life) and out of and with all your mind (with your faculty of thought and your moral understanding) and out of and with all your strength. This is the first and principal commandment.

Mark 12:30 (quoting Deut. 6:4, 5) [AMP]

I like to think that the marriage relationship is designed to mirror the love and devotion God wants to have with us. No, your spouse is not a god and not a substitute for your relationship with Jesus, but I don't think God gets offended when we love each other wholeheartedly and with tender devotion. He designed it to work that way.

3. Sexually Engaged

It's easy for us to relegate sexuality to the bedroom. But the truth is you don't cease to be a sexual being when you leave the bedroom, just like you don't cease to be a spiritual being when you leave church. Sure there are things that aren't necessarily appropriate for public consumption (whether we're talking the church or sex), but whether you "feel it" or not, you are a sexual being 24/7.

So what does it mean to be wholeheartedly sexual? It starts with thinking of yourself and your spouse in sexual terms outside the throws of passion. Proactively seek to engage with your spouse in a sexual manner throughout the day. It also means serving each other sexually and unselfishly, striving to give more in that department than you get. It also means being fully present and obviously engaged during sexual activity.

4. Open and Vulnerable

Based on her research, Dr. Brene Brown includes vulnerability as a key attribute of the wholehearted. (See her TED Talk video and my related posts: What a Shame and Time To Get Naked)

If you want a marriage full of intimacy, you have to learn to live transparently and vulnerably with each other. Shame is the enemy of vulnerability and the biggest inhibitor to intimacy. To embrace vulnerability, you need to first believe that you are worthy of love and connection, just as you are. The amazing truth is that Jesus makes us all worthy.

Being wholehearted means being willing to be imperfect, embracing our weaknesses and owning up your mistakes in a genuine but not self condemning way. (Remember, there is NO condemnation for us who are in Christ). Open up and invite your spouse in. Gary Smalley, author of Wholehearted Marriage, says that "Emotions are the voice of the heart." Let your spouse hear your heart.

5. Determined and Committed

The wholehearted have a fierce tenacity about them. They are not only all-in, but they are in for the long haul. A wholehearted marriage is one in which the couple realizes that there will be difficult seasons, but they believe in the covenant bond between them and that they are ultimately on the same side because they are one. Reinforce this idea with phrases like, "I am for you," "I am for us." and "We can do this."

Here's a great clip from the move "Facing the Giants." The acting isn't the greatest but the clip beautifully illustrates wholehearted tenacity and determination. It also speaks to the effect it can have on others.



Remember that wholehearted living is a choice you make for yourself. And while you can't cause wholeheartedness in others, I am convinced that when one person in a marriage chooses wholeheartedness, the atmosphere in the relationship will be changed for the good.

Where will you choose to be more wholehearted this week? Ask God to show you areas where you've been halfhearted in your marriage, and ask for His help in becoming wholehearted.