Journey to Surrender

When it comes to PDA, the real question is "How much is enough?"

I'm a member of Christian Marriage Bloggers Association, and this month CMBA is sponsoring a blog challenge based on this picture by Kate Aldrich Photography (titles added by me).
Kate and her husband Brad, blog at One Flesh Marriage.

I'm a little late to the party with this post, and my take on the photo is somewhat different than my fellow CMBA bloggers (check out the list of other challenge posts in the comments on this CMBA Newsletter post).

My immediate thought upon seeing the challenge photo went to public displays of affection, or PDA.

I realize there are cultural and contextual limits to PDA, but I personally err on the side of more not less. Let me explain.

Proclaim Your Love

I appreciate couples who are willing to show the world that they are happily married, still in love and show affection for each other. No, I don't want to see a public make-out session or blatant groping, but I see a whole lot more of the other extreme: couples who practically act like strangers in public.

What I like about this photo is the way this couple obviously has affection toward each other. Although their actions are moderated by the umbrella, their love shines through.

Publicly showing affection for your spouse not only demonstrates your love, but it is a great declaration in support of marriage in general. "Marriage rocks! And I'm not afraid to show it!"

Below you'll find 15 ways to give the world a glimpse of your affection for each other.

Affection Doesn't Mean Indecent

Of course your spouse needs to be comfortable with whatever form of PDA you engage in, but there are plenty of ways ways to show affection without being indecent or inappropriate. For example:

• 1 - Hold hands while you walk through your neighborhood
• 2 - Kiss hello and goodbye regardless of where you are
• 3 - Put your arm around your wife in church
• 4 - Lean your head on your husband's shoulder in the theater while waiting for the movie to start
• 5 - Rest your hand on your spouse's knee while sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant (Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Tripplehorn, it is very much a married move).

I don't know of anyone who would find such actions offensive.

Non-Physical PDA

There are also tons of ways to show affection that don't involve physical contact. Here are just a few:

• 6 - Open your wife's car door for her. (Take her hand to help her from the car)
• 7 - Speak kindly (even brag) about your spouse to your friends and family
• 8 - Bring your spouse a cup of tea or coffee at the church coffee hour
• 9 - Send flowers to your wife at work

Public Secret

When you are away from home, there are other ways to show affection for each other that are for your eyes/ears only. Such acts of love add a sense of spice and adventure to your relationship while you are out and about. Some secrets that only the two of you will know:

• 10 - Make eye contact with each other and smile warmly across a crowded room. Give an air kiss.
• 11 - Let your husband know that you are wearing something special for him under your clothes (or that you aren't wearing anything!)
• 12 - Whisper something romantic in your wife's ear
• 13 - Steal a long, passionate kiss in a private hallway or dark parking lot
• 14 - Write a slightly racy text message about your plans for the evening. (You can make it racier if you have a private, secure messaging app like Couple or Avacado.)
• 15 - Leave a note where only your spouse will find it (wallet, purse, briefcase, etc). It can range from sweet to sexy.

What's your take on couples showing affection for each other in public? Would you like to see more of it in your own marriage? Leave a comment.

If you want an rich harvest of intimacy in your marriage, make sure there is an abundance of trust in the soil of your relationship.

Trust is critical to any meaningful relationship, and it's especially important in marriage.  Intimacy requires being known, and revealing your genuine self requires an atmosphere of trust. The level of intimacy you have with your spouse will be capped by the level of trust you share.

Trust, or lack of it, provides good insight into what you actually believe about your spouse. (Note: it works the same in our relationship with Jesus.) Trust is faith in action. Trust says I believe in you, and I believe that love is at the center of your intentions toward me.

Generally speaking, the need to feel trusted is significantly higher for men than for women, though certainly everyone wants to feel that their partner trusts them. Men typically want to be trusted for what they do (like being a good provider and a capable leader). Women, on the other hand, tend to want to be trusted for who they are (the goodness of their hearts and intentions).

Despite these differences between the sexes, there are some actions both can take to build trust in their relationship.

1) Do what you say you will do - Be reliable. Don't require your spouse to follow up a dozen times before you get around to doing what you committed to. Everyone forgets sometimes, but if you want your spouse to trust your word, be consistent about making good on it.

2) Be real - It's very difficult to trust what you do not know. That means that openness, truthfulness and vulnerability are necessary prerequisites to establishing trust. If you make a habit of hiding your faults or being closed off from your spouse emotionally out of fear or shame, don't expect to earn their trust.

3) Empathize (don’t criticize) - in times of struggle . Getting your spouse to open up to you about their struggles requires that you don't use what they tell you against them. Being critical or judgmental over exposed weaknesses will make your spouse feel they can't trust you in their times of need.

4) Speak Kindly and Affectionately - An atmosphere of kindness is conducive to trust and vulnerability in your relationship.  Speak kindly to each other. Show affection often. In addition, never speak negatively about your spouse to others, including close friends and family members. Even if your spouse never learns of it, it creates an atmosphere of distrust in your marriage.

5) Forgive quickly (and forget) - Apologize when you've done wrong and be quick to accept an apology when you have been wronged. Don't rehash past issues that supposedly have been dealt with or use past mistakes as a weapon. That sends the message that you haven't really granted the forgiveness you said you gave.

6) Put your relationship above your rights - We live in a country founded on rights, and there is a strong societal message that says you have to stand up for and assert your rights. But, in marriage, when your insistence on your rights comes at the cost of the relationship, it sends the message that your spouse can't trust you to take care of the relationship. As my wife says, it's not about being right, it's about being love.

7) Value freedom (vs. control) - When you try to assert control over your spouse, it sends a pretty clear message to your spouse that you don't trust them (whether you feel it's actually true or not). Conversely, when you allow each other freedom, it helps to build an atmosphere of trust.

How many of these trust builders are commonplace in your marriage? Are there other trust-building habits you can think of? Leave a comment with your thoughts.