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Saturday, August 27, 2011
I’ll preface this post by admitting that I am speaking to the majority case – to the typical situation where a husband wants and needs sex in order to feel emotionally connected to his wife and a wife needs emotional connection in order to make way for sexual intimacy. I understand that this is not the case in 100% of marriages.
I don’t pretend to know what was in God’s mind when he wired men and women to work so differently when it comes to sex, but I have a theory. My theory goes something like this:
Marriage is meant to be more about your surrender than about your satisfaction
Bottom line: it’s not just about you and your needs! It’s about two becoming one.
The Journey into Oneness
It’s clear from what the Bible says about marriage that it’s a journey toward becoming one. I believe that on your wedding day you two become one in a spiritual sense. This is part of the “great mystery” that Paul talks about in Ephesians, and is the direct corollary to the way we become one with the Holy Spirit when we choose to become believers in Jesus.
Growing in oneness in the realm of the soul (emotions, thoughts and desires) is a process, a journey. It’s a journey into deeper intimacy, and it’s a lifelong journey. Likewise, physical oneness is a lifelong journey into ever-deeper sexual intimacy.
It’s important, however, to understand that oneness is NOT sameness. Men and women are different by design. Oneness is not about hiding your true self or about conforming yourself to your spouse. Oneness is not being a doormat or giving up your identity. Oneness is about each of you bringing the fullness of who you are to your marriage, and choosing to apply yourself (spirit, soul and body) for the benefit of your marriage and the delight of your spouse. This is what I mean by a Surrendered Marriage.
So what does surrender in marriage actually look like, and how do I take this journey to surrender? How do I surrender to my spouse without losing myself? How does surrender move our marriage toward the goal of two becoming one? If I focus on surrender to my spouse instead of my own satisfaction, won’t I end up disappointed and dissatisfied in my marriage?
All good questions.
I’ll be using the next three posts to explore what surrender means using the context of your sexual relationship. Sexual surrender is only one aspect of a Surrendered Marriage, but a very important one, because sexual intimacy is the ultimate expression of oneness and the pinnacle of intimacy in marriage.
Stay tuned this week as I address husbands and wives separately in the next two posts and then address you as a couple in the third post.
Meanwhile, take a look at this tongue-in-cheek video that turns the typical emotional vs. sexual intimacy debate on its head.
Direct YouTube Link
Next in this series: A Wife's Sexual Surrender
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