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Tuesday, April 22, 2014

How would you act and speak differently if you really believed what your husband says about loving your body?

It's a Wives Only Wednesday, so this "what if" post is just for the ladies.

It's not that men don't have body image issues or shame associated with their appearance, but I know that it is something much more prevalent among women.

So listen up ladies and prepare to have a paradigm shift in your thinking.

You Are His

The Bible says quite plainly in 1 Corinthians 7 that your body belongs to your husband (and his to you, by the way). If you really believed how attracted your husband is to you, you would know that he sees you as his prize possession. Not in some creepy controlling sense, but in the way that he's proud to have you for his very own, in ways that no other man can know and/or see you.

Fellow marriage blogger, J, from Hot Holy and Humorous, recently posted Tips for Confidently Baring It All for Your Hubby. . She says,
I hear from hubbies all the time who essentially say about their wives, “You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you” (Song of Songs 4:7). Are their wives objectively perfect? I doubt it. But they [their husbands] believe it.
You can believe it too.

It's Important to Him

Paul Byerly, over at the XY Code, wrote a post on this topic entitled Really, You Look Great to Him. In it he sums up his recent "What Your Husband Wants You to Know" survey he did in this way:
When we say we like you, what you do, and how you look, please believe us!
It is important to your husband that you believe in the sincerity of his love for you, and that includes how you look. Most husbands I know want their wives to feel loved. In fact many, including me, count it among their highest priorities in life. When you rebuff his compliments on your appearance or reply with a list of the flaws, you do not honor him. In fact, you make him feel like he has failed at something that matters a lot to him.

It is your husband's opinion that matters most when it come to your appearance. If he thinks you are beautiful, hot, sexy, pretty, striking or however else he may describe you, then you are. Period.

I understand that you get a very different message from TV and magazine advertisements. Remember, those folks are in the flaw-peddling business in order to sell you something to "fix" yourself. Forget them and their airbrushed definition of beauty. Take what your husband says and run with it.

Confidence is Sexy

Do you want to know a secret that I think few wives have a handle on? Sex appeal (or whatever word you want to use for a woman's allure to her husband) is 80% attitude and 20% physical appearance. It may even be 90/10.

Whether you buy my numbers or not, how you present yourself to your husband probably has a bigger influence on how he perceives your appearance than you know. If you really believed what your husband says about your body and his desire for you, it will give you more confidence, more boldness, and more of an "I am hot and I know it" kind of attitude. And that alone will make you even more appealing to him.

A woman in one of our marriage small groups once confided to us that she sometimes imagines herself as a sensuous movie star in order to take on a more confident and daring persona. Imagining herself as Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie (or whoever) allowed her to drop her inhibitions and really let go, much to her husband's pleasure - and hers as well.  Imagine whatever you like that helps you in the confidence department, but try imagining that your husband is actually crazy in love with your body. After all, you are his movie star!

Here's a correlating truth. True confidence feels good. If you believe in your own beauty and in your husband's desire for you and then confidently act on it, it will make you feel really good about yourself.

Two Caveats

First, I have heard horror stories of husband who deride their wives over every extra ounce and constantly put them down over their appearance. That's a sad and difficult situation, and I am sorry if that is the way your husband treats you. Dealing with that situation is a whole separate post. But I honestly believe the vast majority of husbands do not fall into that category.

Second, I am not saying that appearances don't matter. Pay attention to your man's preferences in clothing, hair styles, make up, etc. Pay particular attention to sleeping attire, if that is something that matters to him. I know men have a broad spectrum of opinions on these kinds of appearance-related things, so if you don't know, ask your husband. And then act accordingly. You have no idea how much it will bless him when you do.

Time for Action

So ask yourself this "what if" question and ponder it seriously: how would you act and speak differently if you really believed, deep down, that your husband loves your body? You might want to read and consider the two posts linked above by Paul and J as a starting point.

I challenge you to spend the next week behaving differently as a result of your "what if" contemplation.  Act with boldness and confidence, as if your husband adores your body, because chances are, he does.



The other posts in my "What If..." series.
  1. A Lesson in How to "What If..."
  2. What If... You and Your Spouse Really Are One?
  3. What If...Intimacy Matters Most?


8 comments:

upwithmarriage said...

Great stuff here! It is something we wives need to be reminded of from time to time.

Bonny Logsdon Burns said...

It was hard for me to believe that my husband found me irresistable. Until, after one compliment that I downplayed, he became upset and said he felt I was calling him a liar. That was the moment I started to reconsider. From that moment on, my boldness has not stopped growing. Thanks for this post, Scott! My lady friends and I can never be reminded enough. I especially like your 'what if' challenge!

Jay Dee said...

I did a survey a bit ago on whether or not people find their spouses attractive.

An astounding 96% of husbands found their wives attractive, regardless of their current physical attributes.

http://sexwithinmarriage.com/2013/09/spouse-attracted/

Scott said...

Thanks for your comments Robyn and Bonny!

Jay Dee - I remember seeing your survey results now and noted it at the time. I even had it in my "post ideas" folder, but missed it when I wrote the post. Thanks for the reminder. Your findings certainly support my theory.

Anonymous said...

If my husband really loved my body, wouldn't he want it more often? All I read is about husbands who won't keep their hands off their wives. Since my husband is happy having sex just once a week, even though I am very willing, that only proves that my body is not attractive to him. Actions speak far louder than words.

Nathanial Greenhalge said...

That doesn't mean what you think it means. Sex drive and his love and appreciation of your body are two different things. I have recently discovered that there are a fair number of high drive wives with low drive husbands. That requires communication, understanding, and maybe counseling. The Marriage Bed forum has a fairly active board for just that topic.

Scott said...

Thanks Nathaniel, and I agree that sex drive and attraction are two separate issues that often get confused. It's quite common for the higher drive spouse to feel that their spouse's low libido means they are undesireable, but that is often not the case. BTW I would say 15-20% of women are the higher drive one in their relationship. Talk it through, if need be with the help of a third party.

Anonymous said...

Some men love their wives bodies, some men don't. If a wife who has a husband that does not love her body, starts flaunting it like he does love it, it could cause more frustration for both parties. Some husband's do, some husband's don't. But most husband's feel obligated to pretend they do, or be at risk of a hurting their wife or causing strife.

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