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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

How Your Husband Spells Romance: S.E.X.

On Monday I wrote to husbands about their need to keep the romance alive daily and not just on Valentine's Day.

Today I am addressing wives in a similar, although slightly different vein.

In the Aftermath

How was this Valentine's Day for you? Did your husband go all out and spoil you? Did he make an effort but fail badly in the romance department? Did he fail to put much thought into it? Did he maybe even forget the day altogether? Did you turn things around this year and rock his socks off? Or perhaps you and he decided not to celebrate the day at all.

Regardless of whether the holiday left you feeling delighted or disappointed, spoiled or spurned, I want to encourage you not to put too much emphasis on a single day. It's just a day, after all.

There is no reason to put all your romantic eggs into one basket!

For Those Feeling Delighted

If Valentine's Day left you feeling spoiled and romanced, why not spend the next few weeks (or months) being particularly attentive to your husband.

The truth is that your husband probably likes to be romanced just as much as you do. It's just that romance usually is defined differently for men than it is for women.

Let me spell it out for you. Women spell romance L.O.V.E. Men spell romance S.E.X. 

That may sound a little crass. It isn't intended to be. Sure your man probably likes little gifts, words of respect and affirmation and kind gestures just fine. But if he isn't sexually satisfied, all those things will fall short when it comes to making him feel loved. It has to get physical. Sex says "I love you" to a man.

For Those Feeling Slighted

If Valentine's Day left you with a bad taste in your mouth, maybe even feeling a little resentment on top of your disappointment, let me encourage you to try a little "love as if."

What I mean by that is for you to imagine how you would respond if your husband totally blew you away in the romance department, and respond to him that way, regardless of how he actually "performed."

What is interesting is that when you begin loving your husband as if, then he is much more likely to begin acting as if. So take my suggestions above for "delighted wives" to heart and give your husband some loving - his way. 

More Than Duty

By encouraging you to love on your husband in a more physical way, I'm not talking about giving him duty sex. As much any man likes additional physical attention from his wife, if he senses you are not really into it, not fully present and into him, it will be less than fulfilling for him.

If you tend look at sexual intimacy with your husband as more of a duty than a privilege, it may require that you approach sex a little differently than usual. Start by being more playful and flirtatious. Give him an obviously extended kiss goodbye and then text him later and tell him there is another kiss like that waiting for him when he gets home. Change up your sleeping attire to something that is more about his preference than your comfort.

Just as I encouraged husbands earlier this week to be a student of their wives in the romance department, so too you should be a student of your husband when it comes to pleasing him sexually.

You might want to do some reading to get a different sexual mindset. I suggest two blogs written by Christian women who write mostly to women about sex. J's Hot, Holy and Humorous, Julie Sibert's Intimacy in Marriage. There are many others as well, including The Marriage Bed, that offer sexual advice from a Christian world view.   

Finally, let remind you to remind yourself that sex is for you just as much as it is for him. It's a gift from God intended to bring pleasure and unmatched intimacy to every marriage.

So will you take up my post-Valentine's Day challenge and focus on loving your husband with increased physical affection? If you do, I believe you'll see tremendous fruit in your marriage as a result.

Postscript: I know that there are plenty of wives who are the high drive spouse in their marriage. For you this post isn't all that helpful. I plan to address that topic in a future W.o.W post.

Here is some suggested post-Valentine's Day reading from other blogs:

image credit: ferlie /


Anonymous said...

This was great, and thanks for the mention. As I was reading your post I was reminded of a secret I learned about two little words: "To" and "For". "To" is an engaging word. "For" is a word of function and task. Darrell will buy flowers FOR me, then give them TO me. (if you read my post, you know I didn't get flowers BTW - just using us as the example to make my point) Men are task oriented in their makeup; doing things FOR. Women are creatures that engage TO people. With guys, I believe the thrill is more about the hunt FOR the right flowers, then the delivery TO their women.

Sex is an 'engaging' 'task'. It is one of the ways you can enable your husband to 'cross-over' from "FOR" into "TO". It is a wise wife (which I wasn't for many years) that will step up to this plate so that her husband can freely cross over.

Duty sex is what you do "FOR" your husband; it's fake. Real sex is what you do "TO" your husband.

Scott said...

Thanks, Robyn. I love your insights on the "to" and "for" difference. Profound.

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