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Thursday, March 12, 2015

Why did a poorly written book followed up by a mediocre movie grab the hearts and minds of millions of women?

I've purposefully chosen to stay out of the Fifty Shades of Grey (FSOG) fray up to now. So many people have covered the topic that I figured I wouldn't be able to add anything significant to the conversation.

But it's hard for me to ignore the fact that over the last few months, my blog stats show that my post "A Wife's Sexual Surrender" has been consistently at the top of my most viewed pages. The 2011 post shot up in popularity with the release of the FSOG book and then again with the recently released movie. No doubt many disappointed Googlers landed on that post, written long before the release of the book, to find nothing remotely close to the kind of "submission" depicted in FSOG.

I have often wondered what all these poeple, the majority of whom are presumably women, are looking for in a post on sexual surrender?

It's this question that ultimately led me to finally wade into the murky FSOG waters today. And this question leads to some similar ones that have been nagging me ever since the FSOG phenomenon took our popular culture by storm.

How is that a such a poorly written erotic romance novel spent months atop the best seller list and sold more than 100 million copies in 52 languages worldwide?  One book blogger  said about the book, "In all honesty, though, this book is awful.  Really, truly, mind-bogglingly awful." The New York Review of Books, after acknowledging the popular success of the book, summarized the critics perspective this way,  "Critics, by contrast, have found much to abhor about the work." Yet the readers at Amazon and Barnes and Noble both give the trilogy an average of four-and-a-half out of five stars. How could the progenitor of such mediocre tripe be named to Time Magazine's list of the "100 Most Influential People in the World?"

Further, the movie based on the book has been critically panned, receiving one star on Rotten Tomatoes and a little south of two stars on IMDB's critics review. Yet the movie has set box office records, grossing in excess of 500 million dollars in the month since its release. But why? As with the book, critical and popular opinions stand in stark contrast to each other.

These are questions I've seen a few writers attempt to answer, but most of these answers haven't fully satisfied my curiosity.

What The World Says

Admittedly, I have neither read the books nor seen movie, but I've read enough about them, from enough varied sources, to get a pretty clear picture of the content. In researching for this post, I've also read a number of theories on the reasons for the FSOG phenomenon, from both secular and Christian sources.

Secular sources are decidedly mixed as to the effects of FSOG on society. Many call it harmless mind-candy for bored housewives. Some laud the permission FSOG supposedly gives women to free themselves sexually or to tap into their hidden fantasies. Others argue strongly that the books and movie promote sexual violence against women.

As for the reasons for its popularity, secular writers say the attraction is in the way the story portrays the healing power of love, even though it does so in a totally unrealistic fashion. Other say it appeals to women's innate desire to be a "rescuer and healer." Many mention women's common attraction to "bad boys." Surprisingly few point to the kinky sex as the draw.

Christian Voices

For the most part Christian's have been pretty universally critical of the book and movie, and for the most part, rightly so. Erotica is just as dangerous as porn in terms of the potential damage to marriages. The works depict a non-biblical view of sex (outside of marriage, full of control and manipulation, sado-masochism and more). Of course the shows and movies on cable TV these days are just as sexually non-biblical, with much less outrage.

As true as all the badness is with FSOG, we have to admit that millions of professing Christians have read the books and seen the movie. From what I can tell by the many comments I have read, most women loved it and recommended it to their friends. Of course that doesn't make it right, but it does further beg the question of why women, Christians and non-Christians alike, seem so compelled by the story line?

We also have to admit that a non-trivial number of women, Christians among them, claim to have a renewed sense of sexuality and many report improvements in their libido and sex lives as a result, short-lived though it may be.

Stopping at condemnation of the books and movie as perverted, evil and destructive will do little to further our understanding of the popularity of FSOG. Likewise, simply warning, scolding or even condemning those who have chosen to partake of FSOG isn't going to help us or them them understand what it is they are really after.

It's understanding I want to gain as well. 

My Theory

I've realized that I keep researching and rewriting the first part of this post because I have tremendous trepidation over actually putting my theory out there.

As I freely admit in my bio, I'm not a psychologist or trained theologian, so take what I'm about to say as just another marriage blogger's opinion, worth what you paid for it.

Enough caveats. Out with it.

I believe so many woman are drawn to the Fifty Shades of Grey story because they long to be radically loved and cared for by a strong man. Women paint themselves onto the seemingly blank canvas that is Anastasia Steele, the story's female protagonist, because the idea of surrendering themselves to someone whose heart they totally own and who will completely care for them (emotionally, sexually, spiritually, financially) is a huge turn-on for many women.

So strong is this desire that women are willing to look past their disdain for Christian Grey's overly controlling and sadistic nature. Though there are exceptions, many women report that the S&M sex is not what drew them to the story and that they have little desire to engage in the practices depicted so graphically in the books and movie.

The Longings of the Heart

It is difficult to paint the complexities of human longing with simple, broad strokes. Yet, due to the sheer mass appeal of FSOG, it's obvious that the story has clearly tapped into many women's basic desires.

My feminist friends are no doubt rolling their collective eyes at my theory. I hear the chant, "Down with the patriarchy and misogynistic notions that women long to be taken care of. What women really want is independence, power and equality!"

Really? I find nothing of what feminists claim that women want within the FSOG story. Nothing. Yet women are drawn to it by the millions.

Now, before you accuse me of being a woman-hating misogynist, you should read more of what I've written on the subject. My "What I Believe About Marriage" would be a good place to start.

Let me state clearly that I believe that a woman can be both strong  and submissive, that the two are not mutually exclusive. And yes, I did just use the S-word. I agree that feminism has helped to right some historical wrongs, and I absolutely believe men and women are of equal worth.

But I also believe that God set up the ordered partnership that is marriage as described in the Bible. I believe that being equal in value does not mean men and women are the same or interchangeable. I believe God filled our hearts with innate desires that correspond to our God-given roles, though the world will try to get us to deny and denigrate our very natures.

I believe that what most wives really want is a husband who will love them radically, selflessly and unconditionally, and who will pursue and woo them relentlessly, as Christ does with the church. I believe they long to find the bliss that comes through willingly surrendering themselves to such a love, only to find themselves the object their husband's deep affection, relentless protection, and generous provision (as we receive from Christ in our love-relationship with him).

And in such a marriage you are going to find some really great sex.

Fifty Shades of Grey is flawed erotic fiction, with all the dangers and falsehoods that attend it . Yet the hugely popular draw of the story compels us to examine more closely a flawless and even more compelling love story, Christ and the church, the picture of marriage as God designed it.

What do you think of my theory? What have I missed? Why do you think FSOG is such a draw for women? Chime in. Leave a comment

image credit: dolgachov /


His Juliet said...

I agree with your theory and I think you are spot on. Radically loved and cared for by a strong man AND THE TRUST that would then be a part of that relationship. I am fortunate enough to be in a marriage like that. After nearly 34 years, we BOTH are radically loved by the other and have that level of trust. You see, I think men want and need to be radically loved as well and truly desire their mate to trust them. When you hit that level of maturity in a relationship, you are free. You know that you can ask/offer anything and you won't be rejected even though you might not get what you put out there. You know that you are accepted and cherished right down to your soul. I personally feel that it is intimacy as God wanted us to experience it. I enjoy being my husband's treasure and I am so thankful that he is mine.

Scott said...

Thanks for your comment and the reminder that trust is an important part of the equation.

Scott said...

From an email I received and posted with permission.

Great post, Scott. I've been thinking about the reason for women's appeal towards erotic romance for many years, and I think you nailed it with your answer here. Speaking of nails, Jesus graciously made the ultimate gesture of His love so that we don't need to keep searching for perfect love. We are all part of the best love story ever! There is hope for women who gravitate to romance novels...I am a former Twilight addict, and my growing interest in figuring out WHY led me to find my ultimate love story in Christ. Now I am part of the deepest love of all: divine love, and my favorite book is the Bible, and, with your help Scott, I am learning to share what I've learned about deep love with my husband. I had a craving for the pinnacle of human love and am finding it! Thanks, Scott!

Unknown said...

Hi Scott - You are brave to wander into this minefield! Your theory may very well be correct, but it's almost impossible for me to accept or understand. Women are crazy about a book and movie in which a man dominates and abuses a woman because they want to be loved and cared for by a strong man? If that is true, it's completely beyond my ability to understand it!

Just thinking about your theory on its own, I think there is a lot of truth to it. I'm glad that you said "loved and cared for," rather than "loved and taken care of," because to me those are quite different. (Maybe they mean the same to you?) In my mind the latter implies a certain level of incompetence - we "take care of" our children because they are not able to take care of themselves. But I do think that most women want to be cared for by the man they love, and to feel that he has the strength and desire to care for them. And I think that most men want to be cared for by the woman they love, even if the ways of caring for each other are somewhat different. And, as a previous commenter noted, both want the kind of deep trust that grows from loving and caring for each other over time.

Anyway, this is great food for thought. Thanks.

Paul Byerly said...

Scott, I think you nailed it!
So how can Christian men live what women want in their marriage, both in and out of bed? You have given some great hints, hope you go deeper.

Scott said...

Dave - from what I can discern, women are attracted to the story for the most part in spite of the S&M and controlling nature of Mr Grey not because of it. I could be wrong. They don't necessarily care for the methods he uses to express his desire and passion, but they love the intensity of it. Maybe they write it off as the "broken" part of him.

As to "cared for" vs. "taken care of" I think it depends on the woman. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here. The question is what the wife needs. For example, on expression of "taking care of" might include her man being her provider or her protector. Some women won't need or want that at all.

Scott said...

Paul, Thanks for the comment. Maybe I'll do some followup post.

Unknown said...

Scott - I think you're right on! I agree that the books were very poorly written but that didn't keep me from reading all of them. I am very adamantly against watching the movie though as I don't want to put anyone's faces or bodies on those characters except mine and my husbands. That's what I visualize when I read the books. People don't believe me when I say that. But it's true! My husband and I have an amazing sex life that couldn't be any better. We love and trust each other and aren't ashamed to ask for what we want in the bedroom. Being in an intimate sexual relationship with your spouse is a true blessing from God. I should mention that we are 50, have 6 kids between us, are active in our church, and both work full time. We don't know any other couples as truly intimate both sexually and emotionally as we are. There is nothing better than walking through life with a spouse who you love and trust who is not only your best friend but your lover. Thanks Scott for being bold enough to step out there on this topic. I wish there were more sexually strong Christian marriages. We have nothing to be ashamed of but rather should celebrate the gift from God that we fully embrace.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

Scott, I totally agree with you. That is exactly what I crave in my marriage. Reading your post has me in tears. You may not have a degree but I believe you understand more more about what Women and Men need in marriage than any of the Marriage bloggers I follow. Keep writing and sharing your wisdom with us. Thank you so much.

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