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Monday, May 16, 2011
I’ve been expounding lately on the recent poll I took that showed some pretty dramatic differences in primary needs between husbands and wives.

Today, as a related Man-up Monday post, I want to issue a specific challenge to husbands.

My challenge is for you to be bold enough to show her or tell her about the results of this poll, and ask her which are among her most important needs. Then, I want you to be really bold, and ask her how you are doing at meeting those needs. Ask her if there are areas where she feels her needs are neglected or disregarded or even if there are just some things you could do to better show her your love for her in a way that is consistent with her love needs, whatever they are.

Your challenge in the course of this conversation is to not get defensive and start explaining to her all the ways in which you are already doing things to show her your love. True as those things may be, the point of this challenge is to find out where she feels unmet needs. There is no wrong answer. Listen to her heart and receive what she says with the intention in your own heart to make her feel more loved.

Do Something!

Even if you think her needs are silly, if you think you are already doing a good job of it, and even if you can’t comprehend why should would feel that way, determine within yourself to move toward becoming one by working at being more attentive to her expressed needs.The goal is a deeper level of intimacy between you.

The last step after this important conversation is to put together a specific action plan of what you are going to do in the next week to improve at showing your wife love in the way she needs it expressed. The idea here is to do something specific about what you’ve learned from her.

Here are just a few suggestions to start you thinking and to give you and idea of the kind of things I am talking about, but because every couple is different, you will need to find the things that will work for your own marriage.
  • If her need is to feel more emotionally connected with you, take specific steps to engage with her on an emotional level. Have genuine conversations about what’s going on with her life or your life, talk about spiritual matters, ask her to pray together, make some out-of-character little romantic gestures, go for a walk together.
  • If her need is for feel cared for and like her needs are being considered, offer to give her a back or shoulder massage (non-sexual!), buy her a small considerate gift out of the blue, ask for her opinion about some specific matters you are considering and go with her suggestion, talk about her five year ambitions and hopes, then pick one and take the first steps toward making it a reality.
  • If her need is to feel more protected and safe, find out where she if feeling vulnerable or unprotected (financially, spiritually, sexually, relationally, etc.) and do something that will help allay her fears.

Whatever the need area is that she tells you she needs more from you on, do something about it. Do something specific and do it immediately.

Suggested Link:

Kate from One Flesh Marriage just posted along a very similar vein "How a Woman Wants to Be Loved. Some sound advice for  husbands from a wife's perspective.


Strong Man said...

Good suggestion. Also, because I've been married a long time and we've talked about various things in the past, I have a pretty good idea what my wife would like that would help her. I find I can ponder and pray, thinking about what she might need, and I can get some good answers without even asking her.

The key, as you said, when you get that inspiration, is to DO IT!

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