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Monday, August 25, 2014

[Men Only Monday]

Spark passion by relentlessly pursuing your wife HER way.

I proposed in my last post, From Discipline and Duty to Delight, that passion is a key ingredient to delighting in your wife. When passion runs deep in your marriage, it is a delight to give generously and to love and serve her.

But how do you raise the passion level in your marriage? It doesn't happen by default. It requires you to purposefully cultivate a more passionate atmosphere.

In this series I propose four ways to pump up the passion. Today I'm addressing husbands with Part 1: Pursuit.

(For the wives version, check back on Wednesday!)

Passion Re-framed

What do you envision when you hear the term “passionate marriage?”

If you are a typical male, then you likely think of steamy sex and lots of it. And there’s nothing wrong with that! However, I want to push you to expand your thinking beyond the bedroom.

While it may be possible to have a passionate sex life while the rest of your marriage is in the doldrums, it’s a pretty unlikely combination. So if you want things to heat up in the bedroom, work to set the rest of your marriage on fire. Learn to cultivate passion in the entirety of your marriage.

Passion = Pursuit

You should never stop pursuing your wife. I mean never, even if you've been marriage 50 years. When you stop pursuing her, it sends your wife the message, "You are no longer the one I would choose."

How do you pursue your wife?  Let me get this out of the way early: relentlessly pestering her for sex does not constitute pursuit, at least not for most wives.

Instead, pursue your wife her way.  For many wives this means romancing her and wooing her with your love. For some of you it means going back to the kind of things you did when you were trying to win her heart. Maybe you need to bring back the things you used to do to show her your love, but have since let go of, as you allowed every day life to push out the passion.

Pursuit means being attentive to her and really listening to her. Engage and gain understanding of what she has to say.

Most importantly, learn what says "I love you" to your wife, and then go about doing those things on a regular basis.

Your wife wants to be pursued, to know she is worth your time and attention, the center of your affection, and yes, that she is desirable to you. Learn to be passionate and relentless in your pursuit of your wife.

Passion Pointers

As I said above, what matters most is what constitutes genuine pursuit to your wife. If you don't have a clue where to start, you could always ask her (I know, novel thought).

But in case you need a few ideas to get you headed in the right direction, I'll offer these:
  • Write her a love letter (keep in mind the kind of letter SHE would like).
  • Plan a romantic date. Take care of all the details like reservations and sitter.
  • Surprise her with tickets to her favorite show or concert (even and especially if it isn't your favorite)
  • Bring her a small gift out of the blue. Tell her it's for no reason other than that you love her and were thinking of her.
  • Go for a walk. Hold her hand or put your arm around her. Really listen to her.
  • Text her in the middle of the day just to make a connection. Ask her how she is doing. Tell her you miss her. Tell her you love her. 
You'll find a few other tips in my post "Endless Pursuit."

Remember these two truths about pursuit: 1) you must never stop doing it, and 2) it has to be done in a way that means pursuit to your wife.

How are you doing in the area of pursuit? Have you found what means pursuit to your wife? If there are any wives listening in, can you offer us husbands your thoughts on what makes you feel pursued? Leave a comment.


D said...

pursuit is the appreciation of who your spouse is as a PERSON, not as an object. It's not about what they do for you, or how they take care of you, or how they make you feel. It is about THEM. It is about pursueing and appreciating their character, not their sex. Are they honest? hardworking? loyal. smart? a problem solver? generous, kind, fair?? If so - then tell her!!!!!!!!!!! She wants to be appreciated for WHO SHE IS, NOT the things she can do. She doesn't want to be appreciated for her looks, looks are fleeting and based on your opinion, not hers. She does not want to hear about how she makes YOU feel. That's YOU, not her. She wants to know that you KNOW HER.

Scott said...

Hi D - Thanks for your comment. It is clear that hearing words of affirmation and appreciation are what constitutes pursuit to you. As I stress in the post, the most important thing is to pursue your wife in the way she wants to be pursued. If your husband doesn't ask, then it might be a good idea to communicate that to him in a loving and non-demanding way. Likewise, I hope you will ask him the same question: "How would you like me to pursue you?"

Scott Ross said...

Great post! I appreciate the reminder. I have always prided myself on having a lifetime courtship with my wife, but daily life can make us forget. I'm actually going to write my wife a letter tonight.

Unknown said...

Thanks for the practical advice and ideas! I have bought my wife a small gift and will write a letter today. Thanks again!

D said...


You seem to have misunderstood me. I AM the husband. The list you gave are some good ideas - IF - your wife's love language is acts of service. You make a point in your article to say pursue her in her way - but your list suggest something else. After many years of doing couples counseling I have found that the majority of women want their husbands to appreciate the person they are - not the things they do. And by the same token, they (the wives) don't really appreciate 'things' from their husbands. I believe all humans are oriented towards words of affirmation for the most part. Not gifts, not fixing things, but RESPECT for the personhood. Both women and men are very much more alike than different.

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