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Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Pleasure begets passion, which begets more pleasure, which begets more passion...
Which comes first: passion or pleasure?
The answer: it doesn't matter.
Pleasure and passion go hand in hand; each feeds the other.
Yes, THAT Kind of Pleasure
Having just returned from two weeks in Asia for business, I can tell you that my wife and I both had some pent up passion that spawned some frequent pleasure when I got home - despite the serious jet lag! And the more pleasure we found in each other's arms, the more we kept passion stirred up. That's just how it works.
You see, sexual pleasure isn't like letting the air out of balloon. No, the more you enjoy each other sexually, the more passion grows between you. Frequent enjoyable sexual encounters create an unbreakable bond of intimacy that cements passion in place. This in turn creates a desire to experience more pleasure together.
It's a happy circle. A very happy circle.
I understand the life will cause passion and pleasure to ebb and flow. What if the pleasure cycle is broken and passion seems hard to grasp? You bring back the happy circle one of two ways.
- Method 1: stir your passions. Read this whole series on building passion (starting here) and do the things that create a passionate atmosphere in your marriage. Stir your sexual passions by reminding yourself of past pleasures. Do whatever it takes to get your head back in the game!
- Method 2: jump into pleasure. That's right! Remember the chicken and egg. It doesn't matter where you start. Tell your spouse you want to get your sexual connection back, and tell him or her you want to make love. Don't ask, tell. Asking doesn't count. Put yourself out there. If he or she declines, ask when you can make a date for sex. Don't relent in this. You have to start somewhere. Once you do, allow each encounter to stir passion and build intimacy.
As important as sexual pleasure is in marriage, you need more than sex to keep passion alive and well. You should deliberately do something every day that feeds your soul, something in which you can take pleasure and delight. It doesn't have to be a major thing, in fact it shouldn't be. It can be something as simple as listening to music, or enjoying a cup of tea or coffee in a quiet place. It shouldn't be anything on your task list or that accomplishes anything. It should be done for the pure pleasure of it.
I admit I struggle with this. A lot. I'm driven and busy and live by my to do list. I have difficulty taking time just for pleasure.
If you don't have a habit of taking time daily for pleasure, I suggest you start by making a list of "little pleasures." These should be things you can do in 5-20 minutes, because after all, let's be realistic. If it takes more than that, you are a lot less likely to do it consistently. Life is too busy. Now the trick is to DO them and do them consistently.
It's not easy to take time for pleasure, but it is so important to keep your soul regularly fed.
In addition to doing things specifically for the pleasure of it, it is also import to learn to take pleasure in doing the things you have to do. Again, this is not something I'm always good at. I tend to be very goal oriented. The objective is often to check it off the list. But the Lord reminds me again and again to take delight in the doing and not just in the being done.
Work at it. Remind yourself.
And remind each other.
Help Each Other Find Pleasure
The cool thing about having a life-mate is that you can help each other find pleasure.
Help each other with pleasure seeking by asking "What did you do for pleasure today?" "How did you feed your soul?" And of course if they answer in the negative, you can always offer to help them find a little of THAT kind of pleasure later on or (or maybe right now). I wouldn't make a habit of this, however, because your spouse might begin to avoid pleasure for the express purpose of garnering such an offer from you!! And like I said, you need more than sexual pleasure in your life.
This isn't something to nag each other about but to gently encourage each other toward.
Alright, let's get practical. Here are a few ideas for infusing your life with pleasure and helping your spouse do the same.
- Make a list of "little pleasures" and keep it handy. Little things you can do in 5-20 minutes that feed your soul and make you feel good.
- Learn some tasty treats that your spouse enjoys and bring one to him or her once in a while for no reason than to just enjoy.
- Be deliberate. If you are a list maker, put little pleasures on your list or in your day planner.
- Make it a goal to have sex at least twice every week. Pleasure makes you want more of it. Plan it if you need to. It still counts.
- Offer your spouse a back rub, foot rub or "other" rub. Offer the pleasure of both non-sexual and sexual touch.
- Make a "peaceful place" in your home or in your yard where you can sit comfortably in a nice ambiance.
- Connect regularly with beauty. I like natural habitats. You might find beauty in paintings or music. Beauty feed your soul.
What do you do to regularly find pleasure? Leave a comment.
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