Journey to Surrender

My marriage vows are all about what I am going to do. 

Since the name of this blog is Journey to Surrender, I figure once in a while I should circle back and talk about surrender in marriage. So what does it mean to have a surrendered marriage?

The first kind of surrender involves giving your marriage, your self and your spouse over to God. This is what I refer to as the vertical surrender in marriage. That's a topic for another post.

Today I want to focus on the horizontal surrender in marriage. In essence, this kind of surrender means the surrender of self. Self-centeredness, self-protection and self-reliance don't fit in a surrendered marriage. Surrender, in this context, means not looking so much to your rights as to your responsibilities and to the good of your relationship. At times it may involve laying aside your personal preferences, sacrificing your self for the sake of your spouse and for the good of your marriage.

Surrender is not necessarily easy, but it is hugely rewarding.

If couples could really get this, I mean really learn to live lives of surrender, each unto the other, it would radically alter the course of their marriage journey for the better. That is a big promise, but I honestly believe that this kind of mutual surrender creates a wide pathway to a strong, passionate and intimate marriage. It's why I do what I do here.

My Wedding Vows Point to Me

Think for a moment about your wedding vows.

We used traditional vows at our wedding. The vows I made to my wife before God and the witnesses gathered there are all about what I promise to do. There were no ifs, ands or buts. There were no escape clauses or convenient outs. I promised to love my wife, for better or worse. I pledged to care for her, whether we be rich for poor. I made a covenant to stick by her side that includes times of sickness and times of health.

Over our 32 years we've seen both ends of the spectrum of good times and tough times. If you are like most couples, you probably have too.  Whether you used a traditional form of vows, as we did, or wrote your own, the promises you made point to the choices YOU vowed to make and the things YOU pledged to do for your spouse. I'm pretty sure you didn't include any ifs, ands or buts in your vows either.

You and I, when we said our vows, we said, in essence, "I'm in this for keeps, no matter what." We believed our love was worth it, and we committed to endure any hardship.

I love how Danny Silk writes about this in his book Keep Your Love On.

A healthy, lasting relationship can only be built between two people who choose one another and take full responsibility for that choice. This choice must be based on who they are, what they want, and what they are committed to doing as individuals. 

Traditional marriage vows express the nature of this choice beautifully. The two people standing at the altar do not say, “You will. You will love me and cherish me in sickness and in health, till death do us part.” And they don’t say, “I will love you as long as you love me. I will be faithful to you as long as you are faithful to me.” Their vows are all about what they are going to do. “I will love you. I will protect you. I will serve you. I will be faithful to you, no matter what.

Every Day is A New Set of Choices

None of us are perfect at this surrendered marriage thing. We are all going to struggle with the many "selfs" that want to creep in. Self-focus is as easy and natural as breathing in and out. But we don't have to live self-absorbed. We have choices.

I'm thankful that every day I have a new set of choices before me when it comes to how I'm going to approach my marriage. God's mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:23). So I start each day with a fresh dose of grace to live the marriage I want to have instead of the marriage I used to have. Hold fast to this fabulous truth.

Choose today to focus more on your half of the marriage equation than on your spouse's half. Think of one small action you could take today that would bless your husband or wife? What choice can you make today that would put your relationship ahead of your personal preferences?

Don't worry about how your spouse will respond or if they will respond with a similar kind of selfless surrender. You can only control only your end of the vows. Remember that you pledged "no matter what." It doesn't matter how or even if they notice.

Refuse the bait of offense when your actions go unappreciated or unnoticed. Yield your feelings of offense to God and press on. Tomorrow, you will have another set of similar choices to make.

When you screw it up, and you will, forgive yourself. Give yourself the same grace God gives. And move on.

Today, and every day, ask yourself, "What Am I Going to Do for My Marriage Today?"

Do you have a story to share of how a decision to surrender changed your marriage? Share it in a comment.

Pleasure begets passion, which begets more pleasure, which begets more passion...

It's kind of a chicken and egg thing.

Which comes first: passion or pleasure?

The answer: it doesn't matter.

Pleasure and passion go hand in hand; each feeds the other.

Yes, THAT Kind of Pleasure

Having just returned from two weeks in Asia for business, I can tell you that my wife and I both had some pent up passion that spawned some frequent pleasure when I got home - despite the serious jet lag! And the more pleasure we found in each other's arms, the more we kept passion stirred up. That's just how it works.

You see, sexual pleasure isn't like letting the air out of balloon. No, the more you enjoy each other sexually, the more passion grows between you. Frequent enjoyable sexual encounters create an unbreakable bond of intimacy that cements passion in place. This in turn creates a desire to experience more pleasure together.

It's a happy circle. A very happy circle.

I understand the life will cause passion and pleasure to ebb and flow. What if the pleasure cycle is broken and passion seems hard to grasp? You bring back the happy circle one of two ways.

• Method 1: stir your passions. Read this whole series on building passion (starting here) and do the things that create a passionate atmosphere in your marriage. Stir your sexual passions by reminding yourself of past pleasures. Do whatever it takes to get your head back in the game!

• Method 2: jump into pleasure. That's right! Remember the chicken and egg. It doesn't matter where you start. Tell your spouse you want to get your sexual connection back, and tell him or her you want to make love. Don't ask, tell. Asking doesn't count. Put yourself out there. If he or she declines, ask when you can make a date for sex. Don't relent in this. You have to start somewhere. Once you do, allow each encounter to stir passion and build intimacy. 

Life's Daily Little Pleasures

As important as sexual pleasure is in marriage, you need more than sex to keep passion alive and well. You should deliberately do something every day that feeds your soul, something in which you can take pleasure and delight. It doesn't have to be a major thing, in fact it shouldn't be. It can be something as simple as listening to music, or enjoying a cup of tea or coffee in a quiet place. It shouldn't be anything on your task list or that accomplishes anything. It should be done for the pure pleasure of it.

I admit I struggle with this. A lot. I'm driven and busy and live by my to do list. I have difficulty taking time just for pleasure.

If you don't have a habit of taking time daily for pleasure, I suggest you start by making a list of "little pleasures."  These should be things you can do in 5-20 minutes, because after all, let's be realistic. If it takes more than that, you are a lot less likely to do it consistently. Life is too busy. Now the trick is to DO them and do them consistently.

It's not easy to take time for pleasure, but it is so important to keep your soul regularly fed.

In addition to doing things specifically for the pleasure of it, it is also import to learn to take pleasure in doing the things you have to do. Again, this is not something I'm always good at. I tend to be very goal oriented. The objective is often to check it off the list. But the Lord reminds me again and again to take delight in the doing and not just in the being done.

Work at it. Remind yourself.

And remind each other.

Help Each Other Find Pleasure

The cool thing about having a life-mate is that you can help each other find pleasure. 

Help each other with pleasure seeking by asking "What did you do for pleasure today?"  "How did you feed your soul?" And of course if they answer in the negative, you can always offer to help them find a little of THAT kind of pleasure later on or (or maybe right now). I wouldn't make a habit of this, however, because your spouse might begin to avoid pleasure for the express purpose of garnering such an offer from you!! And like I said, you need more than sexual pleasure in your life.

This isn't something to nag each other about but to gently encourage each other toward.

Passion Pointers

Alright, let's get practical.  Here are a few ideas for infusing your life with pleasure and helping your spouse do the same.

• Make a list of "little pleasures" and keep it handy. Little things you can do in 5-20 minutes that feed your soul and make you feel good. 
• Learn some tasty treats that your spouse enjoys and bring one to him or her once in a while for no reason than to just enjoy.
• Be deliberate. If you are a list maker, put little pleasures on your list or in your day planner.
• Make it a goal to have sex at least twice every week. Pleasure makes you want more of it. Plan it if you need to. It still counts.
• Offer your spouse a back rub, foot rub or "other" rub. Offer the pleasure of both non-sexual and sexual touch.
• Make a "peaceful place" in your home or in your yard where you can sit comfortably in a nice ambiance.
• Connect regularly with beauty. I like natural habitats. You might find beauty in paintings or music. Beauty feed your soul. 

Developing a habit of consistent and regular pleasure will go along way toward keeping passion alive in your heart and in your marriage.

What do you do to regularly find pleasure? Leave a comment.