NEW! Intimate Connections

Take Our Current Survey

Three Things Survey

Answer a quick question about what you would like to have more of in your marriage

Popular Series

Click the arrow to show/hide series

Search Journey to Surrender

Blog Archive

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Your husband is not nearly as romantically challenged as you think!

Have you long since given up on your husband in the romance department? Have you repeatedly suffered disappointing Valentine’s Days over the years? Have such things caused you to turn your attention on this holiday toward your kids instead of your husband? Or maybe you have altogether given up celebrating this day, passing if off as crassly commercialized.

I get it. Really, I do.

But it’s time to a take back Valentine’s Day.

Hallmark and FTD commercials notwithstanding, this day is really not about cards and flowers and chocolates (though for many of you that would probably be a step up).

No, this holiday is really about love, romantic love.

A Chance to Rekindle Romance

“But my husband is romantically inept,” I hear you saying.

It is probably true that many, if not most, husbands appear to their wives as somewhat challenged in the romance department. But I believe the problem isn’t romance per se. The problem is in the vast difference between what feels romantic to men as opposed to what feels romantic to women.

Yeah, it’s that ages-old differences thing again.

We men will try to give love and romance in the way we define it, as opposed to the way our wives do. When that doesn’t work (repeatedly, over years) we eventually conclude that we are romantically incapable, and we stop trying. Our wives sometimes contribute to this by either overtly stating it, or by their cool reactions to our ill-advised attempts at romance.

Rather than giving up on your man this Valentine’s Day, try to see it as is your chance to move things forward, romantically speaking, in your marriage.

Turn Around Your Expectations

Chances are if your husband has historically low marks in romance, he is not all of a sudden going to come up with a stunning Valentine’s Day plan. (That is, unless he happened to read my Man-Up Monday post this week.)

As hard as it is, I’m encouraging to re-focus your expectations from what you might get from your husband this year to what you can give him.

Switch your attention from trying to teach your husband how to romance you to instead trying to learn how to best romance him

You see, as I said, what feels romantic to you probably will not to him. You want his time and attention, a sense that you and your feelings matter, and to feel cared for. For him, those things probably will not do the trick.

Romance to him probably comes in completely different forms. Here are what I call the three A’s to romancing your husband:
  • Admiration (of who he is) – Take a break from focusing on his inadequacies and shortcoming, and focus instead on his best qualities. Tell him WHY you love him. Believe with him in his dreams. Let him know that you see what’s inside of him, but also admire his physical appearance. He wants to know you are attracted to him.
  • Appreciation (for what he’s done) – If your husband is like me, he thinks a lot about the balls that are dropping all around in his crazy life. Take a break from nagging him about what more he needs to be doing and instead thank him for what he is doing and has done. Genuine words of thanks do a lot more to spur him on than anything else.
  • Affirmation (of his sexual nature) – You knew I’d get here eventually, didn’t you? Your husband wants you to affirm rather than shame or disregard him in this important area of your marriage. Understand that his desire for sex is actually a desire for intimacy with you. Don’t just tolerate his desires, but try to respond in kind. He wants to be wanted by you.

By asking you to focus on his romantic needs, I’m not telling you to settle for a husband who doesn’t know how to romance you the way you like. You should never give up on your desires for that. But I am saying that a man who is admired, appreciated and affirmed is much more likely to send a little romance back in your direction than a man who is starved for those things.

This Valentine’s Day think about how can incorporate the three A’s of husband-romance into it.

Do you have some specific suggestions for my readers on how they might show these things to their husbands? Leave a comment!

photo credit: auremar /

If you need some more ideas on how to romance your husband HIS way, check out my 14-day Intimacy Challenge for Wives. You can follow the daily links to do the Intimacy Challenge online on this page.   Or you can get a convenient pdf of the challenge for free via email when you sign up for my Pathways monthly intimacy newsletter. (Hurry, though, the February edition is coming out in just a few days with lots more romantic ideas!) Sign up on my blog or right here:


Anonymous said...

As usual Scott, you nail it with flair! As I was reading your 3 "A's" and I arrived at point three, I said, "ah yes, there it is" ... and laughed. But truth is truth, isn't it?

Two verses come barrelling through my heart:

"Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too."


"It is more blessed to give than to receive."

Anonymous said...

Hmmm....brewing up a sweet plan for my hubby...Oops! That's you!! Anticipation....Curiosity.....

Scott said...

Robyn - Thanks and yes, it is the truth. I think God has a lot of fun with this whole differences thing.

Jenni - Hmmmmm.

Colleen said...

After years of disappointing Valentine's Days, I took matters into my own hands and started planning romantic dinners at home. I have been doing this for well over 10 years and it has transformed the day for both myself and my husband. We both look forward to a really special meal served on special dinnerware with candles and linens. I focus on making the day special for both of us!

Kate said...

Scott, this is awesome and so well written! We wives need to take some responsibility in the romance department and appreciate our husbands in the ways that truly speak to them. I love planning evenings like this for my hubby and seeing his love and desire for me shining in his eyes. We cannot sit back and expect to be the only ones sought after. Our hubby's need us to want them in all ways and to appreciate them. GREAT POST!

Oh and Anonymous (Jenni)-You are so funny and amazing, but I don't think I need to tell Scott that! ;)

Gaye @CalmHealthySexy said...

Really good advice, Scott. I tend to sit back and let my husband take care of me on VD. Looks like I need to be a little more proactive this year.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Scott (and Jenni) you guys are so amazing... I just wish we didn't live so far from one another. Don't tell my hubby, but think I will surprise him this Valentine's day with a little get-away (we have our kids and grandkids living with us right now). Marilyn

Anonymous said...

These posts are always great reminders to love my husband in practical ways. Great post!

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.

We Have Moved!

Journey to Surrender
is now

Stay here if you want to search old content.

Click on over if you want to see the latest and greatest!

Connect With Us

Subscribe by email and never miss a post!

New subscribers will receive a free copy of my ebook :

How to Have a Succ-Sex-Full Marriage

My new Heaven Made Marriage Facebook page has lots of extra marriage-related stuff not found on my blog.

Follow Journey to Surrender on Twitter: @marriagejourney.

Subscribe via

Member of:
Christian Marriage Bloggers Association Members Badge

Contributing Writer: